Learn to say no: how to do it without feeling guilty?
Written by: Loris Vitry (holistic coach)
Validated by: Cathy Maillot (Osteopath)
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Some people naturally don’t like to hurt others.
They do not know how to say no when asked.
However, not knowing how to say no can create more problems than you want to solve.
How to get there without blaming yourself?
Let’s find out in this full article!
Reasons why you can’t say no
There are several explanations for not being able to say no to others.
However, the main ones are our fears, our beliefs, and a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem:
Our fears
The fear of being criticized, of starting a conflict, or of being seen as a selfish person.
But also, the fear of displeasing others or of being rejected.
This last feeling is linked to a deep need to be accepted and loved.
Our beliefs
It is more explicitly about the education received from parents.
Little, we were taught to be of service to others and to be kind.
Very often the children’s opinions did not count for parents as well, and most of them never struggled to make them understand it.
As the child grows up, he then develops this inability to say no to others, since his opinion has never counted.
A lack of self-confidence and self-esteem
This lack of confidence and esteem arises when we think we are not worth more than others.
We also have the impression of not having the right to say no.
To these three explanations, we can add stress.
In this case, in fact, it comes into being when the person finds himself in an environment that is not his.
He is always on his guard and therefore does not want to displease others.
Stress at work can therefore be added to the reasons why you cannot say no.
Have a clear vision of the things you want and don’t want
This is the very first step to take to be able to say no without feeling guilty.
It could be a clear view of the needs of everyday life, as well as of the biggest goals you have set for yourself.
Then take a piece of paper, and make a list of those things you never wanted to say yes to.
Also mention things that don’t appeal to you, or invitations from coworkers that don’t interest you.
Remember all the big goals you’d like to achieve, and the trouble that no one might get you.
This self-work might take you a day, just as it could take you a whole week.
The most important will come down to doing the exercise well.
The moment you have a crisp, clear view of those things you no longer want, you now know exactly the things to say yes to.
Eliminate stress from your daily life
Stress presents physical, cognitive and psychological symptoms in the person who suffers from it.
The cognitive and psychic symptoms are unfortunately those which are put forward when one is unable to say no to one’s interlocutors.
Indecision is the most prominent cognitive symptom.
As for psychic symptoms, they range from a permanent feeling of tension, to irritability or depression.
You also value your surroundings less, and life in general.
To be able to say no without feeling guilty, it is therefore essential to eliminate stress from your daily life.
By doing so and feeling good about yourself, you will feel like you can take over the world.
Saying no to what you don’t want will never be a problem again.
Various means are recommended to achieve this; among others:
- do breathing exercises, especially abdominal breathing;
- doing relaxation exercises, yoga is most recommended in this case;
- physical activity, because sport produces endorphins that soothe the body and mind;
- consult as needed.
Techniques to be able to say no without feeling guilty
To be able to say no without feeling guilty, you can use the scratched disc technique, the fog technique, and 4 other rules to be followed scrupulously.
Indeed, if we feel guilty for not being able to say no, it is because we say to ourselves that we should have said yes.
Consequently, we say “yes” to a situation to which we would have liked to say “no”, and this inability can have drastic consequences.
When, for example, you prefer to say “yes” to activities that you don’t like, you are saying “no” in return to the things you like.
You gradually move away from who you are:
The scratched disc technique
To succeed, it is first necessary to assimilate that the first “no” does not repel some people.
They will therefore continue to harass you until you say yes.
Take the opposite approach; in other words, keep telling them no until they realize you don’t want to, and give up.
This is exactly what the broken record technique is all about.
You must then hold on, stay calm, not get lost, much less get upset.
the fog technique
She is able to stop toxic people and manipulators from coming back to you.
It consists of not answering “yes” or “no” to your interlocutor.
Once the request has been stated, do not respond precisely.
Throw a “maybe”, a “certainly” or a “it’s possible”.
Develop self-confidence and self-esteem
You won’t do it in two weeks or three months.
This is an exercise that could even take you years.
Start by repeating only positive words to yourself and realizing your worth and your abilities.
You are absolutely no less intelligent, less beautiful or less gifted than all those people you meet and to whom you cannot say no.
You are You, and you deserve the best.
It is also useful to think about yourself, and not to see it as selfishness.
Accept yourself and get to know yourself better.
Small everyday actions which, in turn, will help you say no without feeling guilty, come down to:
- take your time and think before giving an answer to your interlocutor;
- never try to justify yourself after a no;
- stand firm on his “no”.
Continue reading:
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